Dear Mark,

It’s been 1000 days without you in our lives. One Thousand Days. Time seems to have fast forwarded but I remained still and stagnant until recently.

It was difficult enough trying to navigate life after I was sexually assaulted in the March of 2019. Along with my Potato Fam I had you there to support me too, when I was brave enough to tell you. I remember it clear as day. You were sat on the sofa in the London flat and just looked at me for what seemed like an age. Then you cried. I cried. We hugged for the longest time and then you said sorry. For what? For not protecting me. That wasn’t the case at all. Plenty of therapy has taught me that not one single thing could have prevented it from happening.

Even when shit got real, you were still there.

Then you weren’t.

We got back from our magical trip across South Africa in October 2019, a make or break trip, and you looked the best I’ve ever seen you, totally on your A  game. We even talked about what next, buying property to invest in our future, to selling up and travelling the world some more and finding somewhere to settle. We both knew it was going to be Australia, but it wasn’t to be. Two months later on 13 December of the same year, at Midday, I was diagnosed with CPTSD, then at 15:55pm Mum called me to say you’d gone.

When we learned that there was “nothing remarkable to note”, and your death was determined to be natural causes, the family fractured. Our family of 5 should still be 6, and there was no real specific reason to explain why it wasn’t. Were there contributing factors? I would say yes, but the report doesn’t suggest so. There will always be the “why” and I have to accept that I won’t fully have an answer to that.

Then the weird bit happened. Except Cousin Jimmy in Scotland, who checks in regularly, and a couple of your colleagues, everyone else in our circle disappeared after your funeral. If you need anything…. just pick up the phone…. I’m coming to see you….I’m here…anything you need…

Empty words.

Fellow widows and widowers tell me that’s common but it’s hard for me to make sense of, and accept, especially for Mum & Dad and Kaz & Kyle. How did I react to that? Not very well at all.

I still haven’t been back to work. Until very recently, I wasn’t even able to leave the house on my own to do simple things like the food shop. Where there were people, I couldn’t cope so I just stopped going out.

I invested heavily in our home though. It’s still the same but, extended and adapted, feeling very different.

I cannot thank enough all the people who have made the renovations to our home. You’d be well happy that Tom, Dode and Gaz have made this happen. Not surprisingly it was, and still is, very much project Money Pit. How we loved that film! I know you’d love what we’ve done though, equally you’d be laughing at the patience I’ve had to develop. The garden though, OMG, you’d be so happy. You’d be asking me why I got you to do all the digging when I’ve been doing a lot of it myself. I haven’t done it all, some of it has been beyond my ability, but I have an epic friend, with guns, who looks after the more hardcore things that need to be done.

I feel safe and at peace here, as do your furries.

Each of them reacted very differently when you died.

Mo, surprisingly, became a constant lap cat and she sleeps by day, in our room, on what would have been your pillow. Mo has become a very loving cat, needy some might say, which is something I’ve not seen since before Daisy died. She still has a real issue with Simba and Gizmo, punching them in the face for no reason, just because she can. Mo is one of my constant night-time bedfellows though.

Gizmo, who was your baby, has become very protective of me, I can’t even use the bathroom without him. He can be in the garden but knows when I go to bed; he appears within 5 mins and doesn’t leave my side all night. Even with the “beef”, Giz and Mo share my bed with me quite happily.

Jessica, your white one, rarely comes in now but to eat, and is not as fuss driven as she was with you. She doesn’t do laps at all, but we do get rollie overs and she will, occasionally, grace me with permission to tickle her tum. There are the rare times when I find her on my bed when I go up. There have also been times where I’ve slept in another bed so as not to disturb her.

And Simba, our dopey boy. You had no idea when Sim and Giz were rescued, but Sim was first to greet you on their “Gotcha Day”, bounding down the stairs as you came in from Darts. I don’t know who was more surprised. He has cried when wandering around the house and garden. I’m dead cert that he’s looking for you.  Simba and Jessica do sleep in that room a fair amount, but Sim has started to sleep on my lap when he is in…it took him a long time though. Simba is still a hobo and spends a lot of time in the garden – I have, obviously, created them all plenty of places to kip out there.

If the stars and planets are aligned, I have all 4 sleep with me. I put the lottery on when that happens, but no joy yet.

I have been under the care of the Priory ever since that day and, I have to say, I have received the best possible medical care. I know I’m privileged to be able to say that. Every employer should, if they can, offer private health. It’s not even a benefit, it should be standard and I’m very thankful that my employer believes that too. It covered us both, and boy did we use it.

I’ve been really unwell for the past 1268 days. Without my Potato Fam, Dr Perry, and a whole load of meds, I know what would have happened. Equally, I can also see and feel the progress I’ve made since that day, too. You’d be proud of me. When it feels too much, I hear you bright as a button “Deesta…..” and I know I have to listen to what I know you would say.

2 years, 8 months and 26 days ago. I barely recognise this person (taken after my diagnosis by the Priory on 13 December 2019, but before your call – I can see I was already fucked)

The “now” picture though (taken last week when I was off for a few days away with my Potato Fam) is most certainly someone I recognise. I’m actually learning to love me again, I honestly didn’t see a time when this would happen. You’d be over the moon about this though, because it would have killed you seeing me so broken for all of this time.

My daily chats with all of my Potato Fam totally get me through and, even when I’m not feeling well, pretty much have to happen….I’m laughing typing this because I’ve been told if I went off the grid for too long, I’d wake up with some houseguests. Seriously though, they have been my absolute rocks, and nothing I do or say makes them love me any less. My absolute lifesavers and I love them all immensely.

I was awarded a blue badge recently, I know…don’t laugh, and this has enabled me to build the trust and confidence in going  places on my own. The last 8 weeks have been enlightening. I’m not there, but I’m trying.

Even more of a proud moment, our family were able to set up a registered Charity in your name, Mark Hewitson Foundation, to help people when they need it the most.

I talk to our favourite photos every day, and tell you what’s going on, what your Foundation is planning and of the people it has helped. I can feel your happy face beaming on me when I do that.

I involve you in decisions, and it’s weird because I can sense the answer, so I go with it.

In your name our family has:

• Via the Coventry Lions – Contributed towards bespoke trousers being tailored for a man with very swollen legs, who then sadly died aged 42 leaving a young daughter. The funeral parlour wouldn’t even book a date unless £1,500 was put up first. I find that disgusting because I was never asked for a penny until after your funeral. The fact funeral poverty is a thing inhumane. Your Foundation offered a grant towards these costs as well

• Via an email circulated amongst Coventry City Council staff, the story of a young boy with a rare form of cancer who was seeking treatment abroad. Your Foundation contributed to enable that to happen. The treatment has, so far, been successful.

• Issued a grant to a young man who was studying for a Masters in Public Health who wished to embark on a career in fighting infectious diseases (apt timing given the Rona). He was given £12,500 by two other charities and the amount he was short, your Foundation covered.

• Issued a grant to a lady whose son needed to be placed into care because Mum couldn’t meet his 24 hour a day close care. Her son has very complex neurological conditions and had been moved all over the country to find appropriate care, with one placement resulting in an assault by a member of staff. Mum has her own challenges with Bipolar, PTSD, severe anxiety and problems with her hands and pancreas. Recently, Mum had a fall downstairs and spent 10 days in hospital. Mum wanted to take her son on a short respite break when he came to stay with her. Your Foundation arranged for that to happen.

• A grant towards the funeral of a lady who passed far too young, aged 38, of cancer. Assisted her Husband with signposting to available support including financial bursaries from the government, and made a contribution to her funeral costs.

• Funded a day out for a family whose 9 year old son was diagnosed with Anxiety. Mum told me “he is not the same little boy and hasn’t been able to return to school following the pandemic”. Further supported with a contribution towards utility and food bills. Mum shared pictures with me of their day out and she said that both she and Dad were crying (Dad is never emotional) seeing their son smile for the first time in two years.

• Supported a single parent family, children 5 and 1, with Mum unable to work due to lack of childcare for her 1 year old, and struggling to provide clothes and food.

• Assisted a lady who, working in public service, found herself unable to work. The lady had a young son with no family living anywhere locally, resulting in child care challenges. This lady struggled with bills, receiving little support, and your Foundation offered a grant to help her through this period.

• Assisted a lady who, during the pandemic, was unable to work and fell behind with her rent. A single parent family, with no financial support from her employer or family, Your Foundation issued a grant to cover some of her arrears.

• Provided two grants to a lady in the care sector,  who has brain tumours, and was made redundant after 6 years’ service without any due process. The lady went from furlough to redundant within 8 days. The employer has not paid her any money whatsoever since the end of September 2021; no salary, no redundancy pay, accrued holiday or notice pay. Her termination date was 7 January 2022 and not a penny has she received. Your Foundation was able to cover part of her salary for three months. The lady is unable to afford decent representation so, not only has your Foundation helped her financially it has, additionally, helped her navigate such a complex world. The lady had never had an email address, so we supported her and, with that, created her first CV. Signing up to a number of recruitment sites resulted in her starting a new job on 7 February 2022. We continue to support her through the tribunal process. God help them, right?!

• Assisted three young men who were trying to move off benefits and into work. Your Foundation issued grants for clothes and travel whilst also offering interview techniques training. One young man secured work immediately and would email me to provide updates. He passed his probation successfully, and received a small pay increase. Two months later he received a promotion. He was elated and so thankful for our support. The other two men had trial shifts in hospitality but then the Rona hit and that sector was decimated. Financial security for them and their families resulted in them making the decision that receiving benefits was more secure than employment.

• Supported a family by offering a grant of a months salary to enable a man with a terminal diagnosis to have respite, and not feel pressured to work, so he could spend time with his loved ones.

In the 1000 days since you died, and considering the nation went into lockdown pretty soon after, your Foundation has been able to raise £10,354.20. That doesn’t sound a lot given what has been achieved but we have been able to demonstrate how we can use the money well, and make every single penny raised count.

For every birthday, anniversary and Christmas I ask for donations into your Foundation. Seeing how far reaching and diverse our support has been, I would rather any gift or Gin value going to help others. Everyone in our lives have been so generous both with support and donations.

I pledged from day one that all monies raised would not be used for anything other than to directly help people, and I stand by that.

We had some wristbands made, and we do need to sell these. Your Foundation planned Gigs and events but, sadly, these haven’t happened. We have 600 wristbands so, what do you think, £2 a piece?

In my head I hear you saying, “why do you always undersell yourself. £5, surely. It’s all going to charity and is the same price as buying you a Gin.”

You have a fair point. Wristbands for a fiver available. Free postage.

We need to think about what more can be done. Ideas welcome, and don’t be saying parachute jump because we know what happened last time. Wing walk? Same same. Maybe a virtual Mara? Some kind of swimming event? That will be interesting considering both rotary cuffs have been shaved and I essentially sink, but I’d consider it. Cycling could be doable? A half? Surely my knees have another 13.2 in them…at the minute they’d nail the .2 but I am working on my body, and its’ fitness.

I’ve had a knock on the door yesterday from St John’s Ambulance asking for regular donations, and it got me thinking….should we be asking for a couple of pounds a month? It doesn’t sit right, but I suppose we have to discuss it.

I took on an allotment 5 weeks ago, and last week I signed up for the gym again. Both of these things will positively change my life if I can embrace them and overcome some of my hurdles. They will also give me some space to think, plan and consider who can be involved, and what crazy activity can be done next.

Your Foundation doesn’t have the finances to do massive events like other big charities, like a Cathedral abseil for example…..although I’d love to. I say “love” I’m sure you remember from the jump in 2016 that I’m petrified of heights, and you wouldn’t be there to greet me on landing. No-one is allowed to do that after a skydive but, knowing how shit scared I was, Laura made it happen and you were there when I hit the deck crying.

“Deesta……think of why you’re doing this”

And that’s where I’m at. A 1000 days have passed without you enriching our lives. A 1000 days have passed where we’ve not laughed, cried and enjoyed so many adventures. I’ve had to rediscover what life means and I’m still not there, but I’m making progress. We would have spent 21 years together this month, instead I was blessed with 18 and I am so grateful for every single one.

I will miss you for every 1000 days that follow until my time is up.

Always yours, I love you.

Deesta x

If you would like to support us, and are able to make a donation (as a one off or regularly), we have our Charity PayPal account. Search for Mark Hewitson Foundation or click here. Please remember to add Gift Aid if you’re  eligible, it gives us an extra 25% of your donation from the government.

We can also be found here on Facebook if you would like to help us raise money and awareness for Mark’s Foundation. Ticking the gift aid box helps us enormously.

The big one, that doesn’t cost any money, is Amazon Smile. Amazon pay into Mark’s Foundation for every order you place, and it costs nothing. Please find the details of how to link your Amazon account with our Charity account here.

Our family, through Mark’s Foundation, are not able to help people like we do without your support and generosity. We thank you!