I lost two days because of my latest meltdown. The only way I could deal with the pain was to medicate. I had to cancel EMDR as well, which made me really angry with myself.

Waking up today, I’m still not in the greatest of spaces but I made the call to bath, shower, dry my hair and stick my face on. I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t feel better for it, but I won’t scare the Amazon man so that’s a bonus.

This is a very different look to the anguish of the weekend, but the feelings remain.

Don’t assume or misunderstand when someone appears or looks ‘normal’. What they might be carrying could be the heaviest and darkest emotions.

There is nothing anyone can do, nothing anyone can say for me. I have to deal with it on my own and I want to.

Everyone responds differently though. If you know of anyone who may be hurting, just check in. Let them know you care and that you are there. They may not need your opinion, unless they ask for it, may not need you to cluck around them, may not even need you to physically be there. But let them know you are, if and when they’re ready.

I cut ties with ‘friends’ this weekend who did nothing but ask invasive questions and gave me their opinion.

I am learning who the people are I want and need in my life, and I’m shaping that for me, not for anyone else.

I don’t sit around festering all the time, I do move forward, and I do fall back. I am, however, taking ownership for my pain, and my other shit, and doing something about it.

I don’t really want to. I don’t think I’m ready to, but I won’t know if I don’t try.

Psych reckons it’ll take a year, possibly more, to deal with the many levels of trauma but she isn’t able say for definite. I was so frustrated and upset by this, but what can I do? It’s not within my span of control so why am I getting angry about it?