Second EMDR session today. It drains me. I slept for 14hrs after my first so will be interesting to see how tonight goes. Processing Trauma is fucking hard. I spent the entire session, as I did the first, just sobbing.

It’s hard. I don’t like my therapist. Liking her would be wrong. What she does is transport me to the past, and that’s a hateful place to be. I don’t like her for it but I also appreciate what her job is; It’s to help me re-process the trauma I have experienced. It is a very complex, layered, trauma.

When you add to that Bipolar, which I have lived with very successfully for many years, it compounds how I feel. I’m plagued with self-doubt, all of the imposters are queuing up at my door, lack all self esteem which, for someone who was an outgoing social butterfly, as a people person, I don’t recognise who I am now.

When the times of a serious high present, when I seek to help others, when I am driven to get shit done, brain at a million miles an hour, when I risk everything I hold dear based on my decisions, when I have no boundaries, when I step beyond the line, when everything I do delivers what is needed, just at my pace, and to achieve my goals it is followed by an epic crash.
Finding a balance is hard. I’m one or the other. Always have been. Nothing I feel in this respect is any different to my whole life when I reflect.

I’m not able to leave the house without terror that something bad will happen, experience paranoia leading to me trusting less people than fingers I have on one hand, and the deep rooted pain and resentment for this happening to me

I achieved something epic during the last month. Not only did I leave the house, I got on a plane and spent a few days in Rhodes.

Since I’ve been back, and on my own again, the intensity of the intrusive thoughts, night terrors and overwhelming emotion feels like I’ve gone right back to square one.

The feelings I have now are no different to those I have felt since 15 March 2019. When I add 13 December 2019 to the mix, my life as I knew it is over.

I will rebuild a new life at some point, I know this.

How long do I have to feel so much pain?

My furry boy, and his siblings, help me get through each day.