438 Days

February 23, 2021.Reading time 1 minute.

I heard this recently, and it hit me like a train. I feel exactly like this. Time doesn’t heal the pain and the hurt, the nights just get longer. I’m completely and utterly dead inside. I feel nothing at all. You being gone is the most horrific thing that has ever happened to me. But […]

What Does Normal Look Like?

November 3, 2020.Reading time 3 minutes.

I lost two days because of my latest meltdown. The only way I could deal with the pain was to medicate. I had to cancel EMDR as well, which made me really angry with myself. Waking up today, I’m still not in the greatest of spaces but I made the call to bath, shower, dry […]

One Of A Kind

November 3, 2020.Reading time 1 minute.

I love this jumper. I am one of a kind. There is no other like me (some would say, thankfully). Why I do what I do, how I behave, how I share my life, what I say, how I say it, and why I do what I do is all one of a kind. Some […]

My Life With CPTSD

November 3, 2020.Reading time 3 minutes.

Second EMDR session today. It drains me. I slept for 14hrs after my first so will be interesting to see how tonight goes. Processing Trauma is fucking hard. I spent the entire session, as I did the first, just sobbing. It’s hard. I don’t like my therapist. Liking her would be wrong. What she does […]

What To Do When “That Day” Happens?

June 22, 2020.Reading time 60 minutes.

Many people have asked me what to do, who to contact and how it’s expected for you to be when your person dies, so I thought I’d share what I’ve learned during the last 6 months. What to do? Be hysterical. Be calm. Be whatever you need to be. There are no rules when your […]

Acceptance

May 27, 2020.Reading time 3 minutes.

Holiday 2 of 4 cancelled. Part of me is pleased because COVID the Cunt is still amongst us. When I add to the fact I’m nowhere near ready to leave the house and mingle with people, it makes for a good outcome. The other half of me is conflicted; I should leave the house, I […]

142 Days

May 4, 2020.Reading time 6 minutes.

How do people who have suffered trauma cope with lockdown, with every day a Groundhog Day of pain? I can only speak for myself, but I’ve been on my own lockdown for the last 142 days. Yes, I’m counting. Each day presents new or repetitive challenges but the basis is the same. Dealing with the […]

A Little Goes A Long Way

January 23, 2020.Reading time 8 minutes.

I’ve always bounced back. From every knock I’ve ever experienced, I’ve found a way to reflect, rebuild and go again. My Psych on Wednesday was pretty hard. He pushed me to recall really difficult stuff, he challenged my thinking, my self-esteem, my perception. Considering it was the second day after we said “in a bit” […]

Grief. You’re a Prick!

January 12, 2020.Reading time 8 minutes.

On 13th December 2019 my husband, Mark, passed away. The reason he passed was unexpected, the Coroner came back with `undetermined’. That shit is hard to reconcile with. Mark was 52. Christmas and New Year passed in a blur, as have the days and weeks since. How can I possibly explain how I feel right […]

Do Epic Shit. Just Because You Can.

December 3, 2017.Reading time 3 minutes.

I want to attempt a running marathon, I really do, but sense got through to me this morning, just in time to stop me signing up for the Berlin Mara next September. My knees are shot, I know that and, with a possible exception for the GNR, my long distance running efforts are over. So […]