Holiday 2 of 4 cancelled. Part of me is pleased because COVID the Cunt is still amongst us. When I add to the fact I’m nowhere near ready to leave the house and mingle with people, it makes for a good outcome. The other half of me is conflicted; I should leave the house, I should be amongst people, I should feel safe, I shouldn’t feel invisible, but I do.

I need to reboot and start this shithole of a life again. Make the most of it, however I can.

I won’t be the same trusting, supportive, helpful, caring and people focussed person I was before, I just won’t. I don’t want to be either. No amount of coaching, counselling or therapy will change that.

Something fundamental within me has changed. I recognise that now; I need to accept and embrace it. Should make for interesting viewing.

I am going more batshit crazy than normal not physically talking to people outside of family, not interacting, and being abandoned by those I valued and trusted most. That shit changes you. It’s irreversible. I’m OK with it now, there’s no going back, and I make no apology for the response that will come if or when contact occurs. I’m not expecting it, nor do I want it. My circle is my circle, and that’s where and how it stays.

So what next? See what happens I guess. No expectations, no reasoning for, or making excuses for other people or for me. Focus on our family and nothing else. No planning, living with no regrets, and be the person I’ve come to be now. This me is here to stay. The ice queen is back; no amount of sun drenched beaches will thaw me, so having no holidays doesn’t faze in the slightest.

This is how my trauma and grief has affected me. I accept how ill I am. I’ll continue to work through this stuff, but I’ve reconciled with the fact there is no going back. I have to learn to live with what is now. Accept who I am now.

I’ll learn, but I’ll never be happy about it. The Donna of old is gone. I’ll go as far as never using that name again. The Dee of now, with all the changes that brings, is who I choose to be. That decision I am happy with.